Thoughts // four

Today marks four weeks since our sweet Hudson was born. It also marks four weeks since I have been the mother to four darling children. This is my dream come true! My arms and heart are simply over flowing with babies and my love for them couldn't be any bigger. I realized this morning that I had yet to take a single picture of all four of my babies together, and so I decided to give it a go - and surprisingly, though it started off rather loud, it got quiet and we had a small window where all were calm, and I was able to magically capture this most beautiful moment in time. An image for each child, and one of them all together. I couldn't ask for more! I will cherish these images for always, I know that. I keep looking at the sweet faces of my children and wondering, how it is that I've been so blessed? I am ever so humbled and grateful for the chance I have to be their mother, the one, along with their wonderful father, who has been entrusted to help give them life, and to guide, teach, walk beside, and love them throughout their earthly journey - and beyond. I surely have my short comings and the ups and downs of motherhood are so very real - yet I thank my lucky stars multiple times each day for this gift. It is what I was born to do, and what I have dreamed of for my whole life. If there is one thing I want my children to know, it's that they are loved. Oh, so very very loved. My four little loves - oh how I love you!

thoughts // one week new

Jacob took the three older kids to church services this morning, so I had a couple of hours of pure peace and quiet with my new little son. It's been a whole week since he came into our lives. Isn't it amazing how you can know someone for such a short amount of time, yet love them so fiercely? Also, to have known them for only a few days, yet feel as if you've known them forever? That, somehow, they've forever been a part of you? That's how it has been with each of my children, as they've joined our family earth side. I wonder frequently what the journey must be like for them - to be in heaven, waiting for their turn to come, and then in utero - as their bodies form and their spirit unites with their body to create a new human soul. How must it be? Seemingly, the next minute, here they are so fresh in our arms. And though I feel like I've waited a lifetime to meet each of them, it's as though I've known them all along. Perhaps I did. Just perhaps, our family is simply reuniting on this earth, for this time. And it is my hope that after this life, we will also be reunited, together, forever, a special family unit in a much grander scheme of life, creation, and growth. When my faith at times waivers, I cling to that promise, hope, and greatest desire, of an eternal family that is mine to love and cherish forever more. My sweet sweet baby boy is one week new to the world we live in, but he has been and will forever be in my heart. Oh, how I love him so! What a wonderful blessing is a new baby.

thoughts // a golden hour...

My wonderful husband was able to capture a few images recently, to remind us of this marvelous and golden hour of life, these last few weeks when we are waiting to meet our fourth child. While pregnancy is most certainly not always easy, there are moments that are truly amazing, like the first little flutters of movement, the little baby hiccups, or a little foot stretching out - and they just never get old. In fact, I feel as if each pregnancy I become more acutely aware of how precious these fleeting moments are, and of what a miracle it truly is to take part in the creation of a tiny little human body and soul. Of course, that's just the beginning, too. This is what I imagine to be the golden hour of my life - the time I always dreamed about, the time I am living now. Making babies, raising them up. Watching them grow and doing my best to be a kind, loving, fun, and knowledgable guide for them. I'm sure there will be other hours of life that we will love, but I do know that right now I am basking in this very hour: the childbearing years. We are so excited to meet our Hudson Jude - only a few more weeks until he is in our arms. What a beautiful moment it will be!

Mother's Day 2014

It's all I ask for every year...a few photos of me with my babies to mark another year living my dream. They are my everything! This year, we happened to be camping on the beach at Padre National Seashore, so I woke up to a little bouquet of freshly picked wildflowers from a morning walk, which made my mama heart so so happy. Jacob surprised me with a sweet card (and new maternity dress waiting at home) and a bar of Theo Chocolate he hid away with our camping gear. We walked down to the beach and my wonderful husband captured me and my little ones (and one hiding out in my belly, too!) I am so very honored to be their mama, and for the love we share. I'm so thankful for a most amazing husband who is a most wonderful and loving father to our children. My heart is so soft, and so grateful for these, my greatest blessings. Happy Mother's Day!

Thoughts // My One Son

Tonight I was looking at some photographs that I took over the summer, and I happened upon my boy. This is from when we were in Utah. We were driving by the Saltaire, and I had begged Jacob to pull over so I could study this unique building on the shores of the Great Salt Lake. I wanted to photograph it, of course (and who will appreciate the photos? no idea. But my husband knows that part of what makes life grand for me are little adventures, a little straying from time to time, a little "stop! right now!" to get a closer look at something...usually with my camera in hand). So, I hopped out of the rental car, and since the girls were both asleep in their carseats, Jacob said he'd stay in the car while I had a look around and explored for a few minutes. To my great pleasure, Sawyer piped up "wait! I want to go with you!" So, barefoot and all, out he hopped out to explore with me. I wish we had hours instead of a few minutes to explore together. As I looked at the pictures tonight, I saw the interesting architecture of the Saltaire, but what really caught me - grabbed me - pulled my heart right out of my chest - was the few frames I snapped of my one and only son. My first born. He is growing up so fast and getting so big on me these days. He turned five over the summer, and he is at such a delightful age. I mean, I've always loved him at every age and stage, but lately, he just makes me stop and look at him. He asks the best questions. He is just smitten with the world around him. Always a rock, stick, or little bug in hand. Almost never any shoes on his feet. Hardly ever a shirt, for that matter. He likes to either run around half naked (it IS hot here, so that is understandable), OR his favorite thing in the world to wear is his pajamas. A few weeks back, he had a growth spurt and outgrew almost all of his pjs. So, I took him shopping and we came home with 5 pair of new pjs. And then his Grammie surprised him with a couple pairs (dinosaurs and skeletons!) when we went to visit, so he is in no need of pajamas these days. He would love if every day was pajama day. On days we don't have anywhere to go, I often let him wear pajamas most of the day - until it gets to about dinner time and he wants a fresh pair. Anyway, my boy. I've asked him before if he thinks it would be fun to have a little brother someday (I think it would be great!) and he always says "mmm...I guess maybe. But I really like my sisters!" He loves his sisters. He is Aspen's very best friend, and he can make Hazel laugh better than anyone else. He's a loving and wonderful brother. And he has a good heart. He is full of energy, as boys should be. He likes to get dirty, play in the mud, go hiking, jump down the stairs from the highest point from which he can make it, climb trees, and he has a most wonderful imagination. He has his moments of pushing my buttons, like all children do, but WOW he is overall just a great little guy. I love him to pieces. This is the last year I have him home full time and I'm both super excited for this year with him, and also a little sad, not wanting it to pass too quickly. My Mama heart often wants my babies to stay little forever, but at the same time, it is so amazing to watch them learn and grow into the people they will become, day by day. Next week, we will be starting "homeschool" pre-k (for Sawyer) and preschool (for Aspen). They are SO excited. I'm excited, as I've got some wonderful stuff planned. I will save the academics for when they get to "real" school - this year is all about working together to figure out a few fun projects, spending a ton of time in Nature, reading together, creating and doing art together. And maybe learning to tie shoes or something important like that. ;) Anyway, I just wanted to take a minute and say how much I love my Sawyer. I'm so proud of the wonderful boy he is, and the amazing man he will be one day. I can't believe I'm lucky enough to be his Mama. God is so good to have given me this amazing and sweet little son.

thoughts // today

It's been a little crazy, I won't lie. I am not a fan of moving and it makes me sick to think that within a year we are going to move AGAIN. (Only this time not very far, and we will be buying a home large enough for our family so that part will be exciting). I still have four boxes to unpack and for some reason just can't seem to get to it. This morning, when I was trying to make my bed, the kids ran in and decided it would be more fun to rip off the comforter and roll across the sheets (I guess I hesitated too long in deciding weather to strip the sheets or not today). My first inclination was to shoo them away - off to play elsewhere while I made the bed and got the baby dressed. But instead, I whipped out the camera. Somehow, I find great comfort with the camera in my hands, it helps me slow down to enjoy the moment I'm in - to really be present for a moment and see the life I have from one step back. The boxes will get unpacked...eventually. Everything will find a place...sooner or later. But sometimes these little ones just need me to halt what I'm doing and just be with them. Today. I don't think I've got one shot of the three of them yet - and I know it's never going to be perfect, so I might as well just catch them in the glorious moment of NOW. Little crazies and sillies! Sometimes they truthfully drive me crazy - but I still love them, all the time. They love each other, it's evident. Sawyer and Aspen are best friends, and they have welcomed Hazel into their circle with open arms. I love them all to pieces!

I sure do love them!

Mother's Day 2010

The day started off with a grateful day off from early church leadership meetings for Jacob...which meant blueberry coffee cake for me. Oh, and I can't forget to mention the sunlight pouring through the windows. The sun was surely shining in salutation to Mother's everywhere today :)

We had a really nice time at our church meetings - where the men hosted a luncheon following the meetings in honor of the ladies. After a nice lunch and good conversation, we came home and all four of us took a two hour nap. Have I ever mentioned how yummy a nice long Sunday nap is since having children? It is divine. (Lucky for me, since Sawyer still takes a two-hour nap most days, I try to sneak a couple of naps in with my two babes during the week as well :)

Dinner tonight was home-made brick oven style pizza, a caprese salad (my fave) and topped off with Red Velvet Cake and Ice Cream. There were flowers. There was a gift certificate to pick out a summer dress. There were lots of hugs, kisses, and giggles. Today, I truly felt celebrated.

But, to be quite honest, I am lucky enough to have a family that makes me feel celebrated most every single day. Although, most days I don't beg Jacob to take photos of us...like I did tonight. I told him to grab the camera while I had both kidlets in my arms - because I wanted to preserve just a little bit of now. I told him it should be a tradition to always have a photo of me and my babies on Mother's Day. He said, "don't we have that tradition for most holidays...and some non-holidays?"

I just smiled.

Happy Mother's Day to all!

The truth about two...

(So far, at least):

The biggest difference I have noticed in having two babies, is that...

THE LAUNDRY HAS QUADRUPLED.

(not to mention my love for each of my babes continues to multiply at great speed each day...)

Best.Job.Ever!!

Sawyer's Birth Story

I know some of you are curious about the details of Sawyer's entrance into the world, so I thought I'd share his story. Our story, really, because we both worked like a team to make it happen! I had always thought that when I had babies I wanted to do it naturally, without drugs or medication. My own mother did it with no problem, so why couldn't I? After following up with some research on childbirth options, I felt even more aligned with the natural way, and decided that was the way I would do it. Recognizing that you can't always predict how things will go and if there might be special circumstances, I also had to be open to whatever happened that would be best for me and the baby in the long run. But I planned to have a natural birth, nonetheless. I wanted to have as much control as possible over my body and giving birth to my baby. Jacob was supportive of however I wanted to do it, which I was certainly grateful for! So many people either straight out said I was crazy for wanting to do it naturally, or gave me a look like 'are you serious?' (Of course I was serious!)

So, we took childbirth classes through the hospital's birth center. They were okay. Most people in the class just wanted to know when they could get the epidural. Most did not seem to think they would need any other coping technique. I was slightly disappointed. After interviewing a few OBs to find out which patients had the most success with a natural delivery - and what methods or techniques they used - I learned about hypnobirthing. We found a hypnotherapist who specializes in labor and birth, and met with her for a couple of sessions to learn and practice the Mongan hypnobirthing method. I also read the book and outlined the exercises that felt best suited to me. I read anything and everything, watched videos - studied everything from The Bradley Method to Lamaze, and was fascinated by the film The Business of Being Born. I took from each what I loved and incorporated it into my hypnobirthing practice. The thing is, just like training for a race or a marathon (which, come on, labor definitely is!) we needed to practice. It was definitely more of a commitment. We practiced about 5 hours a week. Ideally, at least 30 minutes a day. Hypnobirthing consists of learning the skills of deep relaxation, visual imagery, and the like. The basic idea is to learn how to relax all the muscles in your body so that your body can do the job it was meant to do - give birth. Learning to be confident and trust in the body God created for women, which was made perfect for birthing babies, is also a key element. As you learn to trust in your body and the natural process of birth (and understand the physiological aspects of the birth process) you can then relax and prepare for a calm and gentle birth for the baby. By learning these skills, the idea is that you interrupt the fear-tension-pain cycle created by our culture's ideas and messages about childbirth. That's the long and short of it anyway! Now...

I woke up on Thursday, June 12th, with a sort of crampy feeling. I didn't want to wake Jacob, but I couldn't sleep. I could sense something was different. By 6am I was curious what was going on...was this really it? Were these the surges (contractions) I had been anxiously waiting for?  Jacob got up to get ready for work and found me sitting in the gliding rocking chair in the nursery. I told him I thought something was happening but I wasn't sure. Something was definitely happening - it wasn't painful, but it didn't seem to be stopping, either. He wondered if he should stay home from work. I told him he should go ahead and go. In the meantime, I had tried changing positions, and even showered and still, the little surges kept coming, sporadically, yet with somewhat of a pattern. Jacob called our Doc's office. They told him not to go to work, and to call and check in if they got closer together. By 10am the surges were coming about 5-7 minutes. We called to check in with our caregivers and told them we wanted to stay at home as long as possible. During our time at home, we listened to the hypnobirthing CDs, and we baked a birthday cake for Sawyer. I had read somewhere about having a labor activity, and I decided it would be fun to have something to look forward to during labor - the cake seemed like the perfect idea. And I was definitely in early labor! So, Jacob and I worked together and made a birthday cake for our baby boy! It was fun to do together. I was still amazed that today would be the day! As afternoon approached, we started considering when we should go to the hospital's birth center. I felt like we should get there before I got too uncomfortable. We packed things up and headed their direction, and checked in around just before 4pm. Everything was still quite manageable. They monitored me for about 30 minutes, during which time they said I was dilated to about 3cm and about 95% effaced. They told me the effacement was excellent. We met our nurse and discussed our birth plan with her. As we were doing so, I suddenly became quite nauseous and then vomited. Soon after - my water broke! Then things started to get rolling. We requested a nurse that was supportive of or particular to natural birth. And we got one - actually, we got 2 because they changed shifts not long after we got there. Our 2nd nurse was especially outstanding. Just like requested, I did not have an IV (as long as I stayed hydrated, which I did). Jacob did light touch massage and I used the birthing ball for a couple of hours. We continued listening to our hypnobirthing CDs with positive birth affirmations and quiet music. Things were peaceful, quiet, and moving along well, as far as we could tell. When things started getting more intense, we went to the Jacuzzi tub. Slipping under that warm water with the jets beating all around my body felt like heaven. But heaven didn't last forever. After about 2 hours in the tub, things suddenly got more intense, and it was then that they checked me and told me I was in transition, or at 7cm. I decided to get out of the tub - and they told me to get ready because baby would be here soon! About thirty minutes later, they told me to do a practice push - and then the real thing! I couldn't believe how good it felt to finally be at that stage - pushing and knowing I would soon meet my baby. They dimmed the lights in the room and we had quiet music playing, as requested. I feel so so blessed that we had such awesome staff who respected our wishes. I also feel grateful that my body allowed me to have the natural birth I had planned for. Pushing was my favorite part (isn't it everyones?) It just felt so good. The pressure was strangely excellent. You hear of people saying they had a pain-free birth. I won't claim that it was pain-free. The surges during transition took a lot of mind power to get through, and I was so grateful for all of my preparation that helped me remain calm and in as much control as possible - it was like riding some major waves, and anticipating when they might come or go. Like when you're surfing - knowing another huge wave is coming so you better get ready. And then, not knowing when the set of waves might end so you can escape safely to shore and rest. Yet, the brief break in between waves was so rejuvenating. Anyway, after 30 minutes of pushing and at 8:50pm, Sawyer entered the world! He was born with his little hand right by his head (I tore, of course). He weighed 5lbs 12oz. and was 18 inches long. A tiny little guy! They gave him right to me. He didn't cry, he just looked around wide-eyed at the new world around him. So mellow. They followed our request of holding off on the eye ointment the first hour for optimal bonding time and instant breastfeeding. He was just so so calm and alert. And CUTE! All the medical staff were amazed at how alert he was. I have to say, it was love at first sight. I am so enamored with my son. The day after we got home from the hospital, we had Sawyer's Birthday cake. We sang him "Happy Birthday" and the cutest thing ever was that when we sang, he looked right up at me and he smiled. He is awesome at nursing, and loves hanging out with his parents. After only 4 days, he just about back at his birth weight. Doc said that it usually takes 10 days and that he is really a great baby. Of course, I agree! He is a mellow little man, and so alert for a newborn! We certainly couldn't be more lucky or blessed. This is my dream come true - all I have ever truly wanted in life was to be a mom. Now, I am living my dream and loving it! And Jacob is loving it right along with me. Giving birth, no matter how it happens, is such a miracle! Hooray for life's miracles!!!